If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
