You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
