: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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