God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she told me i tasted like america
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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