Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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