Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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