i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
