how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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