it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
