I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
