So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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