There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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