Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
