Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
