I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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