Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
