Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
