that's an acceptable place to lick
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
