Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
