Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
