I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?