You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.