Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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