I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
