Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
