im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
