Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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