I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
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is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
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So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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