WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
