Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
