i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
