i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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