Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
