i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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