Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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