I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
