Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
