I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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