Can i not drive my cunt home
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
