what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
