Sry I called you an 8
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
