I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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