Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
