just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
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Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
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Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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