My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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