Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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