If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
