Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
