you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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