at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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