Your face is a jimmy john
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
