Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
