man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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