so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
