he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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