I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
