there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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