im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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